IIM Ahmedabad Interview

Date : 31/01/2015

Two Professors (P1 and P2) both over 50.

P1: Nikhil, are you a fresher?

Me: No Sir. I have been working for Citicorp in Pune for over six months now.

P1: What is your role at Citi?

Me: I am an application developer in Citi Private Banking technology department.

P1: How big is Citi in Pune?

Me: We are a 1500-odd employees, but the number is increasing at a rapid pace. Citi Pune plans to be 2000-strong by the end of the quarter.

P2: Nikhil, do you know how much money was given to Citi under TARP?

Me: I am not aware of the exact figure sir. But I am sure it was in billions of dollars.

P2: That’s okay. But you know what TARP is, right?

Me: Yes Sir. Troubled Assets Relief Program. US Fed and the US Govt. came together to save a few banks, which were too big to fail, while letting some like Lehmann take the fall.

P2: Who was the CEO of Citi then?

Me: Vikram Pandit

P2: What was so special about his tenure?

Me: I am not sure sir. Maybe he resigned on account of Citi’s poor performance.

P1: What are you working on in Citi?

Me: I am developing a reporting tool for analysts using Qlikview, which itself is a BI tool. It shows the complete portfolio of clients, securities that are about to mature, opportunities for cross selling etc.

P1: What is the difference between BI and Data Mining?

Me: Both involve extracting information from raw data. BI is more BAU, it is run on data that is business critical and used on a daily basis. Whereas, data mining is done on historic data to study some trends. We use data warehouses to store historical data.

P1: Any other difference?

Me: I can’t think of anything else sir.

P1: What is modular programming?

Me: Told, in detail with example

P1: What is object oriented programming?

Me: Told, in detail with example.

P1: How is testing done?

Me: Explained the whole process, unit testing, integrated testing, user acceptance tests.

P1: What is cohesion and coupling?

Me: Told what I knew. P1 seemed dissatisfied.

P1: What do you mean by core banking solutions?

Me: Told in detail.

P1: What is Sensex?

Me: Told

P1: How is it measured?

Me: Performance of the 30 companies that fall under it.

P1: So if I give you their balance sheets, will you be able to tell me the value of Sensex?

Me: I am sorry sir. It is measured by investor sentiment.

P1: What do you think is happening with its value now a days?

Me: It is achieving new highs almost daily.

P1: Why do you think so?

Me: Right wing political party, clear majority, cut in repo rate, fall in oil prices, promise of investment in India by Obama.

P2: What do you do in your free time?

Me: I like to write, mostly poems. I have a blog.

P2: What kind of poems do you write?

Me: Mostly fictional, conversational. Would you like me to recite one?

P2: Sure, why not?

Me: Recited one of my self-composed poems.

P2: Who is your favourite writer?

Me: I don’t have a favourite writer, per se. But I do have favourite poems to which I turn to when I need inspiration. Some of them are, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, “The Song of Myself”, “The Road Not Taken”, etc. But if I had to choose a favourite contemporary writer, it would be Salman Rushdie.

P2: What kind of books does Salman Rushdie write?

Me: Magical Realism.

P2: What is it?

Me: Told in detail.

P1: What do you think of Obama’s visit to India?

Me: I think it’s more of a propaganda than anything else, but there have been talks of liability law and investing in India, which is definitely a step forward.

P1: What is liability law?

Me: Explained.

P1: So you think the liability law and the investment more than compensates for the money that has been spent for hosting him.

Me: I wouldn’t go as far as saying more than compensates. But he being arguably the most influential person in the world, tongue-in-cheek I will accept it

Both: Thank you Nikhil. We are done. Take a toffee.

Picking Flowers

The fire from last night has not burned out yet

But the arrangements are done, the relatives have arrived

It’s uncanny; every pyre around his has already turned to ashes

But it seems he has not yet given up, his fire has thrived.

The Kin had woken up at six in the morning

Had missed their breakfast, and possibly would miss office as well

So many manhours expended, so much work postponed

Just to make sure that the departed soul doesn’t end up in hell.

I bring pales of water to quench the fire, as instructed

Even after ten of them, the fire is not completely out

Now people start suspecting that something is wrong

“Call the Brahmin” They holler and shout.

I continue fetching water, an act of guilt I suppose

Oblivious of the omens and bad lucks that the wise men suspect

It’s just that I had not served him enough while he was alive

Eventually it’s out on the twenty third pour, soon before the pandit came to inspect

The puja is then started, the earthen lamps are lit

Very basic mantras are recited and nothing about him is said

Hence, I doubt the authenticity and ask one of the wise men

To which he says, “It’s getting late so that is all that will be read”

I sense a little disrespect, but there isn’t anything much I can do

And as I am contemplating, they haul me back

“Son, you need to cull flowers from the ashes”

Says my father and hands me a sack

“Be careful and don’t break them. I will be collecting the ashes”

“But I don’t see any flowers” I say. “Let me collect the ash instead”

To which he says “Put anything white you see in there.”

And then I understand, “Flowers” is a euphemism for the bones of my dead granddad.

So I sit down, still astounded at what I am asked to do

But people are already late and they can’t wait for a scared grandson

Concerned eyes are already closed for good; I see only impatient ones now

Just to see how quickly can I get the job done.

So I start picking him up bone by bone, not given enough time to cry

The feeling just reaches my hands and feet, which shiver at each hold

But I see my father shed a tear, and he sees me see him

So, he just smiles at me and lets me know that for me he is brave and bold

There’s so much that is lost, but so much more that we both will need to gain
So I smile back at him and wonder

If your childhood really ends as you grow up

Or it dies with your grandmother and grandfather.

Placing an Order for Soulmate

“What do I have to do to get a soul mate?” I inquired on reaching the reception.

“Contact our sales department, Sir!” And the lovely lady pointed me in that direction.

I had heard of this service but never had the courage to use it before.

They helped my friend find his soul mate, so I was pretty sure.

“What all would you like in your soul mate to be, Sir?” The amiable sales guy asked me.

“Sorry for the next question but its standard procedure. Would you like a he or a she?”

A little offended by his query, I said, “Thank you very much but a girl is all I want.”

“Very well. Just place your order then and let me see if you can get a grant.”

“Feel free to mention everything you desire. Don’t hesitate, okay?”

And for a moment I was blank, just realizing the importance of what I was about to say.

“Okay, decent looking would do but yeah, her smile should be like no one has ever seen.

She must be original, someone like no one has ever been.”

I thought I was sounding stupid so I tried to read the reactions of the sales guy.

Then it came to me he sells soul mates for a living, I can never be stupider, how hard may I try.

So I went on. “Mysterious is the new sexy, they say, so add a tinge of mystery too.

And it goes without saying, she should be caring and to me she should be true.”

“Whenever I am with her I should be ecstatic, I should have a blast.

I may not be her first, but I do wanna be her last.”

“Will that be all, sir?” The smiling sales guy asked me.

“I have just started, man! It’s a long list, you will see.”

“Don’t forget to add sense of humor. It’s what would set her apart.

She must have an attitude that intrigues me from the start.

I won’t mind if she can’t paint or write or dance or sing.

But she must be the motivation of artists, electrifying and inspiring.

I don’t care if she has baggage, I don’t care if she has a past.

Like I said, I don’t wanna be her first, I wanna be her last.”

The sales guy interrupted me. “I think I have had enough. I will see if you can get the grant.”

“No. No. No. Wait. I am not done. There’s something else that I want.”

“Well, I am not a racist so don’t bother with the color, but charming she must be.

And of course, add all the qualities that are mentioned in your brochure under “Complementary”.

“Her aroma must be angelic and yes, her hair must be long.

She should be as deep as a poem and as soothing as a song.”

“Most importantly make her hard to impress so that only I could flatter her.

“And I think that will be all.” To which, with a sigh of relief he said, “Thank you very much sir.”

He left his seat and ten minutes later came back happier. “Congratulations sir, you have got the grant.”

“Does that mean I will have a soul mate now and she will have all the mentioned qualities that I want?”

“That’s exactly what it means.” Happy now, I got up to leave but I asked him, “Do you have a name for her too?”

“Call her whatever you like. To us she will be Soul mate no. 4582.”

Engineering...The girlfriend you can cheat on

This article is meant to be an ego massage for all engineering students and not only because it talks about cheating on girlfriends. The reason is more philosophical, more psychological. Let me first dwell on the causes of dilapidation of this covetous profession. Most articles on engineering are written by either wannabe managers or wannabe writers who feel that engineering is the sole reason they couldn’t pursue their passion. Since wannabe engineers don’t savor a healthy relationship with the language, articles glorifying engineering are nowhere to be found. 

I have got two words for all those who lament about not following their passions and blame it on engineering. Be grateful. Be grateful that you don’t have a time table and a structured curriculum for doing something you love. The day you start being graded for following your passion, you’ll abhor it. At least now, you’re being graded for something you hate, apparently. So, engineering in a subliminal way makes you love your passion even more.

Moreover if you are so obsessed about your non engineering passions, remember this. The only thing that is going to pay your bills 5 years down the line is your bachelor’s degree in technology.

Also, all of us would agree to the well established fact that a degree in engineering opens all sorts of opportunities. You can do almost anything you want after you have supposedly “wasted” four years in a technical college, right from managing, finance, arts, literature, or even engineering itself. No other degree provides you with this leverage. Engineering is the only girlfriend you can cheat on and she won’t mind. Try doing that with a girl after 4 years, I dare you.

So next time you foul mouth engineering, don’t.

A Unique Bestowal -A Letter to Me by Me

Hey there, older me. First and foremost, I would begin by confessing that it’s the first time I am doing this and I know it sounds funny, but I am nervous. Anyways, you are older than me now and I hope you have gotten smarter; both metaphysically and psychologically. “They” would really like that. I couldn't ever figure out who “they” were, maybe just a bunch of people I’d wanted to please. Well, I’m done and it’s your liability now. To be honest, this is the only thing that I wanted to convey and all this “letter to a year old me” was an excuse for that. But since we are at it, let’s have a boy (me) to man (you) talk. Don’t worry. I will not talk about you having figured out what to do with your life and bullshit. Having said that, if you haven’t, I think you should. Also, I won’t ask if you have a girlfriend by now. Having said that, if you don’t, I think you should. I wouldn't even ask you if have joined a gym. Having said that, if you haven’t, I think you should. Look for a unisex gym, though.

You now know what you were a year back. In retrospect, you hadn't been that bad. Apart from some momentary lapses where you were a douche, it was a pretty good year; uneventful but pretty good. If you don’t top the mistakes, you did last year and of course, try not to repeat them even, believe me you’d get the one thing you want the most, whatever that might be. I obviously won’t make any assumptions about that because I don’t know what you like now.

Frankly I don’t have a clue what’s your reaction after reading this. Are you laughing your guts out? Are you crying your eyes out? Or do you just think its lame? Funny thing is I am never going to know.

And yeah, Happy Birthday.

Hey, God! Let me Show you the Way

I look up at you and ask "How you doing?"

Are you sick and tired of people praying and wishing?

On this pathetic little world, whenever you look down

Its seldom you laugh and more often you frown

Some are asking for love, some are asking for money

Some want it to rain, some want the weather to be sunny

Keeping them all happy is not an easy job

When one wants the vault to be safe and the other wants it robbed

Torn between wrong and right you always have to choose

Everybody always wins and its You who always lose

Must be really hard, when so many eyes look at you

Some for hope, some to forgive the wrong they ever do

You have to even take all the dejections and abuses

Whenever a father dies or a competitor loses

Oh God! I do know your position is tough

But I can see that you've had enough

Keeping track of all the sins isn't easy now-a-days

When you see so many people taking the wrong ways

"God ain't fair" Its an everyday line

You're getting old. But we all understand, its fine

Good people are weak and the bad ones are strong

Honest die soon, liars live long

I don't mean to be rude but there are errors in  your judgement

All you need is people good in numbers and management

Considering diminishing jobs in business and finance

If you start recruiting, you can really make amends

You ought to ask us just for an interview

If you think its cumbersome, I would do it for you

If there are worthy men looking after the world

Nothing would be arbit, nothing would be absurd

Even the load on your shoulders would lessen

You could savor some rest in your big old mansion

This world would be a better place if men control men

Justice will be done, nine times out of ten

Good will get good, bad will get bad

Everything would be fine, every son would love his dad

You've served us enough, you do need a break

Go for a vacation, get a house near the lake

Don't worry about us, we'd somehow survive

I hope you're listening and pay heed to my advice

Let That Story Be Untold

Got out of bed one day, feeling completely anew.

Saw birds around me, perching on flowers laden with dew.

I just could not, not smile at that super godly sight.

My ecstasy reached unimaginable heights

Surrounded with all this, I almost forgot to remember.

Where did I come from, how did I get there?

Thinking about it, I knew the story was scary and cold.

It occurred to me I was dead, but let that story be untold.

I called for my mother, I called for my friends.

My feet started to shake and then followed my trembling hands.

Super godly became ungodly in no time.

Birds started making noise, and the lights ceased to shine.

Thoughtless and helpless was what I had become.

Hands and feet were already shaking, and now I became numb.

My eyes began to wander, I saw “Heaven” written in bold.

I knew I had died but let that story be untold.

There wasn’t a sign of life, as far as my eyes led.

How could there be life, people are here when they are dead.

“You’re in heaven son. Isn’t that what you always wanted?” A voice startled me.

“Why am I dead, God? What was my sin? How bad did I be?”

“You’re not here coz you were bad. People come here coz they were good.

You always prayed to be here. I was just listening to you, isn’t that what I should?”

I was about to pass out but somehow I did hold.

I knew I had died but let that story be untold.

“There were a million other prayers. Why didn’t you fulfill them?

Couldn’t you have just made me rich or given me a girl who was a 10?”

“I don’t give you what you want; I give you what you need.

I can quench your necessity but never your greed.”

“How’s death a necessity of a 15 year old kid?

Where was I bad? What was the wrong I did?”

“Kid! I understand you’re sad but now listen what you are told.”

I knew I was dead, but let that story be untold.

“Life was what you had but you still longed for heaven.

You fantasized of dying since you were seven.

Dying is overrated. Heaven just looks good in fairy tales.

It’s just one life you got. Don’t you ever bail.

You needed to die because you needed to know.

Unless a man accepts his life, he cannot grow.

Death is nothing son; It’s just absence of life.

You can die when your heart stops or you can die while you’re alive.

There are people who want to live but alas! They don’t have time.

So I gave them time from your dead life. I hope that it’s fine.”

I had always thought God only gives death and makes people die.

But listening to Him talk about life made me cry.

“I don’t deserve my time. I don’t deserve my breaths.

I didn’t have a good life. I hope I have a good death.”

As I closed my eyes to surrender I noticed the image of God getting askew.

I woke up and found no birds perching on flowers laden with dew.

There was this feeling in me and this chill in my spine.

But I never remember smiling so wide and feeling so fine.

It’s an imperfect life, but it is life after all.

I got out of my bed, imperfect and proud, standing up tall.

All you have to do is live before you die or get old.

I knew I was dead, but let that story be untold.